Conversations in My Head

 Have you ever had a conversation in your head? You know the kind I mean. The one where you want to talk to someone close to you that has said or done something hurtful - I have had many.

When doing the conversation in your head, you can carefully rehearse your words, identify various outcomes and prepare yourself.

Covid has isolated so many of us. I know that we have all had many kinds of conversations in our heads with family, friends, children, co-workers, lovers,neighbors, etc because of that isolation. 

I am a victim of that isolation. I have had more honest consations in my head over the last 3 years than I have had my entire life. 

I am slowly trying to break the bonds of the isolation, yet I am still having conversations in my head.

I hope this is not the new normal. We need to talk to people, validate people, be surrounded by people. 

The next time you are having a conversation in your head, take it outside and talk to a real person because you can never rehearse or prepare for the OMG reality of the outcome.

I guess what I am trying to say is, speak your heart, mend fences, renew friendships, strengthen family bonds, spread love and most importantly, don't be afraid of getting your own feelings hurt. 

Reality is a blessing. Denial is an abyss.

BTW this was a conversation in my head.

Going for a walk

OMG! Took me two weeks to figure out how to post on this site again.

My son has a degree in IT but I didn't want to ask. Anyway, I  figured it out. Most people think anyone over 60 has no idea of how to use the web to get an answer to any question.

So I had so much I wanted to say over the last few weeks, but I'll just pick up from today. 

For those of you who don't know, I had 3 broken vertebrae 2 years ago. There was a surgery to help but covid interfered, I was left with an 18 to 24 month recovery.

Today I wanted to walk so my friend Andy took me out to buy a pizza from local restaurant.  Walking there with just my cane  ( no walker ) was very hard. Walking back was harder. 

I was looking for a resting spot when Andy said " sit on the bench for a minute " (bus stop ). I hurried too hard, tripped on a short curb, fell on my face to the ground. My worst nightmare, falling and can't get up. 

Andy was doing his best to help and did get me up. 

Two vehicles stopped to help. One was an EMT with a first aid kit, the other was just some random guy driving the opposite way, turned around and came to help.

All is not lost, 

I missed out on family drama - on purpose

So last week my favorite uncle ( Bob ) and my aunt Elaine were coming to visit my mother in Regina.  My uncle lives in Mexico and my aunt in Ontario. This would be the first time they were all together in almost 50 years. 

What a great time it should have been. I wanted to make it there so bad but was unable. Too bad the reunion was overshadowed by one siblings financial abuse of my mother and the damage control she tried to do. 

Thank you uncle Bob for intervening. 

After the fact, I was angry with myself for not finding a way to be there and help shed light on the truth and contribute to a great visit.

Truth be told ( no matter how much I dislike it, I am trying to be truthful in this blog), I was more upset with my aunt. 

I have always commemorated special events with " my  words ". I have done this for so many years it is almost second nature. I sent a request through messenger for family memories  that I could incorporate into my words. The response from my aunt was very hurtful to me. I only wanted to create a memory we could all share. I felt negated, liked my perceptions/memories/sense of family didn't count. So hurt.

I should have found a way to go as I may have found a clue as to how this family disfunction started.

I will still write my words.

Thinking too much in my head.

I'm sure by now you get the gist of what I'm writing about. Sometimes I think I'm just imaging or mentally producing my perceptions of things.

One thing that has always preyed on my mind was about my mother. I have always had a feeling she didn't love me, she just put up a facade to conform to societal norms. 

Thank you uncle for confirming what I always knew.

I was an orphan from birth.

Just came back with regret

Reread what I wrote and will leave it as is.

What's the point of displaying your real self if you try to edit.

I stand by my words.

Totally off topic

I have a cat that I never wanted.  He is very high maintenance and he  has  never liked me. A bit of background, we adopted Buffy to replace Loki. Buffy never liked me coz I didn't like him. We also adopted a female cat (Turtle) who was always glued to my side.

When I had to move, I had to give up one of the cats. My friend Andy chose to take Turtle. Turtle was my closest friend to get me through the pandemic.  

I didn't want the problem of dealing with Buffy but all I could hear was my son saying "you can't just throw him away ". 

I kept him because my son was right. We take these animals into our lives and we are responsible for them.

It took almost a year before Buffy actually came to me, crawled on my lap and wanted attention.  About a month later I realized Buffy could purr. 

After doing some research, I found that Buffy was only looking for some attention because he was getting old. 

Buffy always follows me to bed, the bathroom,  the kitchen.

The day he doesn't follow me will be so sad.

Take care and love all of the animals in your life, even if you're married to them.

Some time with my brother

Randy and Shirley came to Saskatoon for their 20th anniversary.  So great to see them. It's been almost 15 years. Why so long? Shit happens and we get so caught up in putting blame on others that we forget to take a look at ourselves. If you're reading this Randy,  was it me or you? I guess it could be one of three things - me, you or both.

One thing you said really resonated with me. You said mom never loved us. Look back a few comments and you'll see what I think.

Is this why I feel like our "family" is so fractured? How do we heal?

I would like to have a real sense of family before I die. 

My daughter contacted me

It's hard to respond . I'll come back later. 

The belt.

My sister is going through the process of getting a liver transplant. I will be by her side every step of the way. Most of my siblings are unwilling or unable to help. I am 62 yrs old, 3 broken vertebrae, kidney and liver disease, diabetic leg ulcer which will end with amputation. How am I the only one to step up and help.  

Let's look at the list.

Barb: Lives in Mexico and will come if airfare is paid as well as smokes and booze ( nice )

Randy ( Shirley - wife ):  Shirley only concerned about her son's wedding- Yvette's life comes second. Randy is nonresponsive.

Kevin and Kim (wife ) are so far away and expectations are too much to expect. Kevin was at the tail end of the destruction of our family but I remember some things.  Giving him a kiss through the fence at his grade school, camping in sherwood forest with all the kids, trying to plan a trip to see him when he was in Cyprus.  Being lost in Edmonton on white Avenue and his friend Christopher helped me out. I miss you Kevin.

Charlene: Enough said.

Let's get to the belt.

As a child , any wrong doing was met with the belt. I can still see the look on my mother's face as she wielded it, enjoyment.  I always tried to protect my younger siblings from her wrath. Randy was always very stoic, I would hold Yvette on the basement stairs as she cried and said nobody loved her. I would take the beating and vow I would never raise a hand to any child of mine and I never did.

My mother didn't love us, we were just something expected by society at that time. As I look back as an adult, I see her as a narcissist only concerned about herself and we were an inconvenience. 

She tried to kill us once. This was verified by my grandmother the night before I was moving to BC. Mom piled us all into the car and tried to go off the road. I remember falling out of the car one time and many bystanders came to help. Police came. The dates coincide with moms attempt to kill us.

She never loved us. 

Sitting in the dark

I remember one day, I was about 8 or 9, it was early summer and stayed light out till about 9 or so. We were all huddled in the hallway watching mom sit in the living room as it slowly got dark. I could see the glowing tip of her cigarette and her hand wrapped around a glass of whiskey. We were hungry but afraid. I remember stepping slowly and asking softly " is it okay if I make supper for us?". She said " I don't care". I made a box of KD, added extra milk to stretch it. We took turns feeding Kevin from our dishes. I did the dishes after and we all went to bed. I stayed with Kevin cuz mom was still sitting there. I never felt safe after that. About a week later she took us on a drive.

My lighter died

Have you ever known someone so well that you can almost know what they are thinking? You know when they need help? When they just need you there?

Andy and I are like that. We live apart now after 17 years. We live in the same apartment building which is nice, how we got here is sad and confusing. We never broke up or fell out of love, we just got lost.

Today we went to Dollarama to get a few things. We were at the checkout and Andy said " don't you need a lighter?". I bought one just in case.

3:00 am and my lighter died - I had a back up. Thanks Andy.

Maybe I'll talk later about how we got here. Sad and confusing and so lonely.

About Andy

It was in late April that Andy was sent to hospital the first time. It was about 4 30 and I had to be at work by 5. I was texting and texting cuz I was going to be late. I finally called and a strange voice answered. Andy had collapsed in the superstore parking.  I went to get the jeep and send him to hospital. This changed my life - not in a good way.

I went to visit him in hospital. First off I want to say this was one of the most painful moments of my life. I don't like talking about it but maybe writing won't hurt as much. He didn't know who I was. Doctors and nurses encouraged me to keep trying, I did.

 

I'm stopping for a bit because the pain is too much.